


It Looks Sad

by KIASK



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blink and you might miss it Jaepil, Breakup, Brief Sungpil, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, No really it's pretty sad sorry friends, Pining, Sad, sadboys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 04:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12719643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KIASK/pseuds/KIASK
Summary: They kiss softly. The knots remain.orSnapshot memories of Wonpil and Brian's relationship.





	It Looks Sad

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as one thing then turned into something else entirely. It’s a series of snapshots so it might be a little difficult to follow and a little bit sad but bear with me! I promised everyone a Sadboys™ angst fic and here it is. 
> 
> Also for the record Brian is a soft boy, he’s just got a lot of his own shit to deal with so please don’t hate him <3

 

It was probably a mistake, their relationship.

It just happened. Maybe out of convenience, or maybe it was curiosity.

It caused pain, as well as something else. Something bitter.

Six years have passed but seeing him there, seeing him on stage doing what he loves most, it hits Wonpil like a brick wall. He misses him. He misses Brian Kang. It’s a combination of feeling like he’s going to be sick, overwhelming love, and anger.

Wonpil feels an arm snake around his waist. The familiar smell of vanilla mixed with something else clouds his head and a cold nose presses against his cheek.

“Hey Pillie, are you okay? We can leave if it’s overwhelming.”

Sweet, lovely Jae. He feels himself press into Jae a little closer. Comforting, warm.

“No, it’s okay. I’m okay.” It’s been six years after all. Six years of radio silence. It’s about time they face one another like adults, as fellow musicians, as ex-lovers.

~*~

They’re friends of friends.

Wonpil recognizes him from the occasional party, passing hellos between friends, a photo taken on a disposable camera after a particularly messy night out.

He has foxlike eyes and a small, sturdy build. He’s cute, but not really the type Wonpil goes for (He eyes up Sungjin from across the room, he’s smiling ear-to-ear and dancing somewhat expertly for a small audience).

He leans against the kitchen island and takes a shot of something spicy. It goes down hot, and he can’t decide if he likes it but he takes another shot anyway.

There are too many people in the room and Wonpil doesn’t really feel like talking to any of them. He came here with Mark, but Mark disappeared with someone a while ago. He reaches for the bottle again to find that it moved. Turning around he comes face to face with Brian Kang (A friend of Mark’s? A friend of Sungjin?). It’s not the first time, but it is the first time they’ve been forced to interact without someone to act as a buffer.

“Goldschlager? For real? This stuff is nasty.” He pours himself a shot and knocks it back.

Wonpil laughs, holding his own shot glass out.

“Yeah, well it isn’t mine.”

They each take another shot, another, another. Awkward silence cuts through the heavy bass of the music pulsing through the house.

“So… fun party, right?”

Brian speaks first.

Wonpil clears his throat and picks at the label on the bottle between them.

“I mean, aside from this shitty liquor and the people right?” He’s trying really hard to get Wonpil to say something but the truth is that he _really_ just wants to find Mark and go home.

He thinks about how warm and cozy his bed would be right now. (“Come on out, it will be fun Pillie!” “Mark, I’m not feeling up to it…” “You _never_ come out, it’s no wonder you haven’t got a boyfriend” “Rude. I just have very specific taste” “Sungjin will be there” “Sungjin isn’t interested in me” “He might be if you had the guts to talk to him” “...” “...” “So you’re coming?” “Shut up. I’ll see you in an hour”). Yeah, he definitely has some regrets.

“Do you want to step outside with me?”

“What?”

“I’m asking if you want to step outside with me.” Brian holds up a freshly rolled joint in offering. Wonpil shrugs. It’s not like he has anywhere else to be.

“Yeah, sure.”

They push through the crowd and step into the backyard. It’s quieter outside, and if they stand in the exact right spot the moon can be seen through the trees. Despite the cold Wonpil finds himself warm. It could be the weed, but it could also be the way that Brian’s lips hold the the joint in place while he fishes his phone out of his pocket to put on music. Wonpil finds himself staring a little more intently then he should.

“So what brings you here tonight anyway? You seriously look pissed, just so you know.”

Wonpil chokes on the inhale of smoke entering his lungs and he coughs.

“I was dragged here”

“I’ve seen you at a few shows. Do you play yourself?”

“What? Seems like a weird thing to ask.”

“Not really considering the mutual company we keep.”

“Piano.” Wonpil tentatively takes another hit, trying really hard not to cough this time.

“I never learned how to play piano but I’ve always appreciated it.”

“What do you do then?”

“Me? I play guitar.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah. Cool.”

Wonpil feels heavy but comfortable. He lets himself relax a little, breathing in the cold night air, the smoke, the smell of Brian’s leather jacket.

Heavy but comfortable.

***

_(“I’m leaving for Canada tomorrow”_

_Wonpil stares at Brian’s lips forming the words. He feels like he’s stuck in a dream, high, heavy._

_“That’s neat”_

_“Yeah”_

_“Are you scared?”_

_“Terrified”_

_“You seem like the type of guy who will be okay I think… like you can do anything”_

_“What makes you say that?”_

_“I dunno… there’s something very accomplished about the way you hold yourself… or whatever”_

_“You’re fucked”_

_“Yeah…. I sort of am”_

_A drag, and exhale. The night is cold but their hearts feel warm)._

***

They don’t see each other again for a few months. Maybe even a whole year. Wonpil doesn’t know, he doesn’t really keep track. They pass eachother on the street once and Brian waves, Wonpil smiles.

He thinks about that night that they spoke at the party. How they got high and maybe held hands for a bit but never really did anything about it. Comfortable.

He thinks about the smell of smoke on cold leather. Oddly comforting.

He thinks about the burn of spicy liquor on the tip of his tongue and he thinks about what it might have tasted like on somebody else’s.

The thoughts are just as fleeting as the wave. Sungjin’s hand tightens around his and they make their way towards the cafe on the corner.

***

Wonpil feels something tug at the corner of his sleeve. It’s a crowded spot, he brushes it off as an accident. Something tugs again. He panics for about three seconds before turning around, meeting familiar eyes and a bright smile. Brian Kang.

“Wonpil?”

“Brian!”

“What has it been… a year?”

“Something like that? How are you? How was Canada?”

He doesn’t hear what he says. He only thinks about the way his fingers curl around his arm, how big he’s gotten, how he’s filled out. He feels his mouth go dry and his heart beat fast.

***

Winter comes and goes, turning into Spring, into Summer.

They see each other more and more. At shows, at bars, with friends (once without). Gazes lingered, fingers brushed. Wonpil’s heart continues to do somersaults while he thinks about Brian and holds Sungjin’s hand. It feels wrong, and it feels sad.

 

***

“You seem distracted by something Pillie.”

Sungjin lays his guitar down on the couch next to where Wonpil sits. He puts on hand on his thigh, a chin on his shoulder.

“Is everything okay?”

Wonpil sighs and leans back into the cushions, pulling Sungjin down with him.

“I don’t know.”

He imagines that Sungjin is Brian for a second and it makes him feel sick.

He spends that night crying quietly to himself into Sungjin’s neck. He thinks Sungjin is asleep. He thinks he’s alone in his misery. He doesn’t notice that Sungjin’s shoulders are shaking too.

***

“It’s okay Pillie, you don’t have to be sorry.”

“Sungjin…”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you enough of a reason to stay, but I understand.”

“... please…”

“I would rather not have any regrets. It’s not fair to either of us I think… love is tricky, it’s okay.”

Wonpil shakes while hot tears leave tracks on his cheeks. He’s not sure if it’s out of sadness because there’s a sense of relief hiding deep inside of him. He nods his head.

“It’s okay Wonpil, I’ll see you around alright? Take care of yourself.”

The door closes behind Sungjin and Wonpil finds himself alone and suddenly very cold.  

***

“Why did you talk to me that night?”

“What night?”

“That night at the party.”

Brian frowns at the ceiling as he tries to remember.

“I dunno. There was something about you drinking shots of Goldschlager alone that drew me over to you.”

“That’s it?”

“I think you looked sad.”

“A true romantic. My knight in shining leather.”

Brian laughs softly. He props himself up on his elbow so that he can face Wonpil properly.

“Yeah. Something like that.” His nose brushes his cheek as he presses his lips into the corner of Wonpil’s mouth.

***

They make out under the stars on rooftops, in trees, under the bus shelter, on the jetty. Nights turn into days turn into nights turn into days turn into nights.

***

“So what are we?”

“We’re just two guys living it up in the city”

“That’s not what I mean Brian.”

“I don’t know then.”

Wonpil pouts, touching his forehead to Brian’s bare collarbone. Sunlight creeps in through the crack in the curtains casting a soft beam across foxlike features.

Brian runs a hand through wavy hair, his other tracing small circles onto raised flesh.

“I can hear your heart beating you know.”

“You’re heavy Pillie.”

“I’m not going to move.”

“Good.”

***

They never make love. They don’t exactly fuck either. It’s always somewhere in between, somewhere in limbo.

During the day they brush hands lightly when hidden away from prying eyes. They find release in sunbeams and behind curtains. At night they grope and tease and suck each other’s bottom lip until it swells under the cover of darkness.

Sweat slicked bodies glide together smoothly. Guiding each other in and out, around, through. A tug of the hair at the back of the nape, calloused fingers on soft joints, an ache of the abdomen as it seeks relief. Chasing each other through cold and warm nights, against sinks, on floors, tables, chairs, beds.

Lips on flesh, whispers of desire, dazed stares across rooms, within inches.

He thinks it might be love. He only says it once, and he fears that maybe it will break them someday.

***

Wonpil watches them flirt. A million knots form inside of his stomach and he feels sick. He only knows her from old polaroids that Brian has on his wall. (“Oh yeah, I was in love with her for a long time” “What do you mean in love with her? Isn’t that a bit intense Bri?” “It was one sided” “But you said you were in love” “Love can be one sided Pillie, you of all people should know that” “Hey now…”). He watches her stand on her toes to whisper something in his ear, slipping something into his hand that only Wonpil would notice because he can’t seem to look away. They look good together. He frowns, tries to concentrate on the band. The knots tighten. The tall boy on guitar coos into the mic, singing something about being alone. Wonpil can hardly hear it over the sound of his heartbeat. _It’s okay. This is normal. This is okay. It’s nothing._

Suddenly they’re dancing. The whole crowd moving like one to the sound of the bass. A live show turned club scene more quickly than Wonpil could process. He scans the crowd for Brian and (Her). He spots them at the exact moment that she has her finger on the back of his neck, playing with the softest bits of his hair (“I love it when you do that” “Hmm?” “Play with my hair more, it’s so relaxing Pillie” “I suppose I can do that for you” Soft fingertips run through soft hair. They kiss deeply and Wonpil’s heart flips). His vision turns blurry, all he can see is red, all he can hear is bass. So loud, too loud. He makes his way towards the exit, out into the cold, knocking his shoulder against the tall boy from earlier as he hoists an amp into the back of a van. He doesn’t stop to apologize (He’ll see him again in about three years from now and apologize to him then).  


“Hey, let me in. It’s cold.”

“Go home Brian, I don’t feel like dealing with this tonight.”

“Pillie, please. I’m so sorry about earlier, I swear.”

“You can’t just do something like that and come crawling back here because it’s fucking cold out! You asshole!”

“You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Then what the fuck did you mean? What do you want me to think?”

“Wonpil.”

“What.”

“I love you.”

“Don’t say that!”

“I love you!”

“Fuck off!”

“I LOVE KIM WONPIL AND I DON’T CARE WHO HEARS ME!”

Wonpil opens the door the rest of the way and feels Brian wrap around him in a warm embrace. He wants to fight but finds himself weak. Brian takes his face in both of his hands to look at him properly. Wonpil sniffles, his eyes red and puffy, mouth held in a tight line.

“You’re an asshole”

“I know”

“I love you too Bri”

“I know”

“Don’t fucking do this to me again or I really will lock you out”

“You wouldn’t”

“I would”

“Let’s get inside, it’s freezing.”

“Yeah… yeah let’s do that.”

They kiss softly. The knots remain.

***

“Hey pass me the shampoo”

There’s soap in his eyes but he’s smiling. Their hands find each other’s bodies in a mess of water and suds. Everything is warm.

***

“If you had to choose a superpower, what do you think it would be?”

“I don’t know. Teleportation maybe?”

“Why’s that?”

Wonpil turns to face Brian head on.

“So that I could come with you!”

Brian frowns.

“I’m sorry Pillie, I wish you could come too.”

“Whatever. Not everybody gets to say that their sexy boyfriend is also a sexy up-and-coming musician.”

“I’m sorry, your what?”

“What?”

There’s a heavy silence in the room.

“My boyfriend?”

“Oh.”

Wonpil feels the knot in his stomach resurface.

“W-what…”

“You’ve never… we never… yeah… okay. Yeah I guess I am, aren’t I?”

“Bri… it’s okay.” _It’s okay._

“I mean, it’s been what… a year and a half? I guess we just never labelled it.”

“Did we ever really need to?”

“I guess not….”

Wonpil flops back onto the bed.

“Hey Pillie?”

“Mmmhm?”

“I love you, you know?”

Wonpil reaches up to bring Brian’s mouth onto his before he answers.

“I love you too Bri.”

***

Wonpil smiles with his whole face, bouncing onto the bed excitedly. Brian has been away all week and he didn’t realize how badly he was missing him. He thinks about finally being able to sleep next to him again and it’s warm. He’s warm. He feels happy.

There’s a knock on the door before Brian lets himself in. He leans over Wonpil, kisses him briskly once and then sits on the end of the bed. Something is wrong. _It’s fine. This is fine._

“Hi”

“Hey”

“So I was thinki-”

“We should break up.”

“... what.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry…. What?” Wonpil feels his whole body freeze, the warmth in his heart seeping out, mocking him.

“I just… I don’t think I love you the way you want me to anymore.”

He can barely hear what he says over the shattering of his own heart. He feels overwhelmed, the sudden urge to get on his knees and beg, plead, cry. Brian doesn’t even look at him.

“B-but… things were fine…. We were okay… everything was.. F-fine… e-everything wa-”

“I’m sorry Pillie. I tried to feel it with you, I really did… but I don’t feel anything. I don’t think it’s fair for me to stick around if I don’t feel like I can love you properly you know?”

Sadness is quickly replaced by something else, something dark and hot. Anger. Something angry.

Wonpil is crying. He can’t form the words but the emotion is there while he beats his fists against Brian’s chest and sobs. An entire year flashes behind his eyes and he feels like he might be dying. _Whywhywhywhywhywhy._

Wonpil doesn’t hear anything else that he says. Instead his entire chest caves in and his vision blurs and Brian is just staring at the wall unblinking and Wonpil is angry.

***

It’s cold on the jetty, but they feel superhuman under the influence of booze and anger and other things. They yell into the night, smashing bottles against rocks, letting the harsh smoke burn their lungs. Cameras flash, the wind blows, laughter turns into crying turns into laughing.

***

They see each other on the street only once. Brian leaves the city (Maybe the country, maybe the planet? Wonpil never cared to find out). In the years to come he only hears him on the radio once. A tinny interview coming from the small portable stereo the chef keeps on his apron. He lingers out front of the food stall, kicking up dust with his shoes and thinking about what to order for dinner.

A pale hand grazes his as he reaches for the nearest menu and he looks into the eyes of the most beautiful stranger he can remember ever seeing.

~*~

“Pillie? Baby?”

Jae nudges into his cheek again.

“You’re all good?”

“Yeah… yeah I am. Sorry for spacing out there.”

“I love you Pillie”

“I love you too Jae”

Wonpil smiles. His memories of Brian Kang are bittersweet, but he can’t really blame him (“We were young, things are different now, we’re older… smarter” “Are you sure you want to go to the show? I mean, we can just meet up with Dowoonie later” “Jae, it’s fine I swear. I actually want to see him” “Yeah?” “Yeah. It’s been six years” “Okay… well if at any point you need to leave just let me know okay? Dowoon will understand” “Hey Jae?” “Yeah?” “I love you so much, don’t ever forget it okay?” “I love you too Pillie” Jae pulls him in tight, nibbling at his ear a little and smiling as he giggles shamelessly).

He leans back against the bar and rests his head on Jae’s shoulder. He feels at peace as Brian’s voice fills the room, and he smiles. Maybe not fondly, but definitely not bitterly.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I definitely could have gone deeper into this and maybe done a chaptered thing but I also didn't want to break anyone (re: myself). 
> 
> I was so slow writing this! I'm going to try to get back on my game soon, I think I just need to let myself recover from some irl stuff first! I'll be around though, I'm always thinking about what to do next. Anyways, thanks for reading and ILY all (especially Teenie for being my main supportive babe through this mess). 
> 
> As always, yell with me on [twt](https://twitter.com/kiaskonawhim)  
> Also feel free to hit up my [CC](https://curiouscat.me/KIASK)


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